so ... i re-read the secret history by donna tartt and realized I used to be a pretentious elitist

I purchased the book on a whim after watching milions of dark academia aesthetic videos on tiktok, where the novel was wildly popular at the time (it was approx. 2021). I was already trying to curate a similar aesthetic for myself - a first year law student teaching herself latin, reading aristotle on the bus on her way to university. You get the picture.

I was deep into my romanticizing my life era, and I thought this book would fit the vibe I was going for perfectly. I even went out and bought sticky tabs and highlighters specifically to annotate it, because of course I had to.

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If you haven't read the book, here's a short synopsis (SPOILER WARNING):

The story follows the main narrator, Richard Papen, who transfers to Hampden College in Vermont. Richard is later on accepted into an exclusive ancient greek program taught by Professor Julian Morrow. He's taking the class with five other students (Henry, Bunny, Francis, and twins Charles and Camilla), who are all extremely wealthy. Over the school year, Richard gets closer to his classmates and ultimately gets invited to spend his weekends with them at Francis’s country house.

After the winter break, Richard notices that his friends are beginning to act more and more suspicious. He later discovers that four of them (excluding Bunny) were planning to escape the country. Henry tells Richard of how they had a bacchanal at Francis’s country house, trying to achieve a state of Dionysiac madness, which they had discussed in Julian’s class. In the woods, they killed a farmer and left his body behind.

Bunny was the only one left in the dark about the murdered farmer, but after reading about the man’s death in the paper and reading Henry's journal, he most likely knew the truth. In fear of Bunny talking and them being discovered, Henry, Richard and the twins decide to kill Bunny. They decide they will push him over a ravine while he is on his weekly hike. After the deed is done, all sht breaks loose. The FBI is investigating Bunny's death, Richard uncovers the sexual relationship between the twins and that Camilla and Henry have been manipulating him all along. The friendships in the group break apart and It all culminates in a fight between Charles and Henry, where Henry ultimately commits suicide.

After Henry’s death, Francis, Charles, and Camilla all leave Hampden, and Richard is the only one to graduate. The four of them grow apart.

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During my first read of the novel, I couldn't help but identify with the students (ofc, not the murdering part), envying and relating to their disdain for modern, popular culture and their almost obsessive fascination with the classics. I essentially fell into the same trap as Richard when he first encountered them, desperately wanting to lose myself in the romanticized fantasy of higher academia.

I first read the book in two sittings during my first winter semester of law school, only to pick it up again a month later. To say I was captivated would be an understatement. It sent me down a rabbit hole of researching every little reference I stumbled upon, translating the greek passages and reading up on philosophical theories.

On the surface, this might seem like a positive influence. But looking back, I'm afraid I was doing it for all the wrong reasons.

I wasn't necessarily interested in understanding these things for the sake of knowledge itself. I wanted to be the kind of person who understood them. I wanted to feel intellectually superior to my peers, to separate myself from the ordinary, much like the students I had become so fascinated with.

Despite reading a novel that so thoroughly exposes the dangers of intellectual elitism, I somehow managed to romanticize that very same elitism in my own life.

I can only imagine how insuferable I had to seem to my friends and the people around me. (Although to be fair, most of my friends fell down the same rabbit hole as I did)

I picked up the book again during this summer. This time it took me significantly longer to get through it. I found myself looking at the characters and their world through a completely different lens. It's crazy how much a "mere" five years can change one's maturity and outlook on life. I slowly came to realize that during my first two readings back in 2021 I had completely missed the point of the story. 

I was so enamored with Donna Tartt's beautiful prose, the ominous, moody atmosphere and her picturesque descriptions that I completely failed to recognize the novel's underlying criticism of academic elitism. Instead, I quite obliviously treated it as a guide on how to become an academic elitist myself.

Reading back the insane amount of annotations I'd managed to scribble into the book, I couldn't help but appreciate just how much effort I'd put into maintaining this carefully curated persona. It's almost fascinating how much time and energy I dedicated to something that was ultimately meant for my own approval, as though there were some invisible observer constantly watching and judging whether I was "dark academia" enough.

Well I'm happy to report I'm no longer drinking the kool aid and came back to my senses.

Yay to self awareness!!

Sincerely,

Tess